You Know You Want To Leave Your Relationship But... The Hard Truths You Can't Ignore
Deep down, you really want to leave but...
Let's not beat around the bush or minimise the reality here. Divorce is hard.
Making the decision to leave is almost as hard.
If you’re straddling that fence, I see you. And there are some HARD TRUTHS you just can’t ignore.
Jumping off that particular fence into the unknown. Leaving. Separation. Divorce. It means lots of things will change. Big things. Small things.
But you know deep down, you really want (or need) to leave.
You know it's time. AND you're scared.
You're ready to leave but...
Money is an issue
How much will this cost? How much will you get? (Psssst: what’s it costing you to stay?)
You don't have a (full-time) job
How will you manage financially?
What about the kids?
You're scared of the impact divorce will have on your kids
Will they be able to stay at the same school?
Will they have the life experiences you dreamt of giving them?
Will they be scarred or damaged?
You don't want to let go of full-time care of your children and you worry about your capacity to do it ALL on your own.
Your spouse...
Is difficult / challenging / toxic / controlling (insert your best word here...) & you're worried you'll get totally railroaded in the process.
Will your he / she play hard-ball & turn nasty?
How will you co-parent together?
He's already saying he'll go for 50% care of the kids or that he won't "give you" anything.
You can barely communicate as it is...
You're worried about...
Whether you can keep the house
How your friends & family will react. What they will say. Whose side they will choose.
That you're leaving a nice guy... just not someone who sets your soul on fire & what if you regret it?
You are…
Petrified of having to do everything yourself & live alone.
Or that you’ll never find or have anyone or anything better?
Grieving already everything you’ll potentially lose - not least your hopes, dreams, aspirations. Letting go of the happy-ever-after.
You have no idea what the steps are, what’s involved, the process & what would come next (except what you’ve seen - frighteningly - in the media & the movies)
And...
Starting over just feels too much & too scary.
I know. These are real, tangible, obstacles.
And I also know, there are STILL ways forward.
MONEY.
There's no way around this one. A divorce means you're about to divide assets. Things will get tighter. Short to medium term, there will be less $$$ available BUT the upside is YOU get to choose. YOU get to decide how, if & where the $$$ go. YOU get to reclaim your financial power & make decisions that work for YOU.
Even if there’s “LESS”,
in so many ways there may actually be
MORE FOR YOU
Is the "stuff" really important to you?
Or is living a life on your own terms what really matters?
WORK.
If you're not currently working. Or you're working part time. Or you're working in the family business. Looking bravely, objectively, honestly at what needs to shift or change NOW to support you to reclaim your financial independence whatever you choose.
Because financial independence, financial empowerment give you choice & choice gives you power.
Choice & power give you freedom.
Freedom to stay. Freedom to leave.
KIDS.
Yes, they will be affected. But ALL of the evidence suggests that what really affects kids negatively is not divorce, not whether their parents live in a single or two separate homes, but CONFLICT.
CONFLICT in their home & in their family is what hurts kids.
Even if you think they don't see, hear or feel it.
Kids learn what they live.
What do you most want to teach your kids about life, love, self-worth, self-honouring, & about respectful, healthy relationships?
Keep your kids out of the conflict. Focus on their needs, not your own. And they will (mostly) be OK.
Can they stay at the same school? Maybe. Maybe not. Can you still give them the same life experiences you dreamt of giving them? Maybe. Maybe not.
You CAN however choose to give them the most self-loving,
self-honouring, fulfilled, content, the happiest & most present parent you can possibly be.
The very best, fullest version of yourself, living a life of your choosing.
And what a gift, what a lesson that is for them.
Know that if YOU are (mostly... let's face it, there will be hard days) OK, your kids will (mostly) be OK too.
YOUR SPOUSE or SOON TO BE EX
Dialling down the raw emotion of separation. Keeping it business like & respectful. Communicating clearly & calmly.
Finding the right support, both professional & unpaid support, to guide you. Starting the process with compassion & a desire to find a resolution, rather than fight. Meeting your soon-to-be-ex with a view to finding a win-win solution for both of you, for your family, rather than a focusing on a win-lose outcome will help.
Dealing with a toxic or challenging spouse isn't easy. It's not easy if you stay
It's not easy if you choose to leave. Choosing for YOURSELF is what matters.
A guided mediation or collaborative process with trained practitioners allows you to negotiate in a fully supported way to find your way to a win-win solution. EVEN when you have challenges. EVEN when you're got a tricky relationship with your ex.
Choose RESPECT above all else. Respect given, is often met with respect in return. And if, in your situation, it is not, you can STILL behave respectfully.
(Remember your kids are watching & learning from you)
THE REST…
The GRIEF is real.
Whether this really is your choice, or whether it has been outside your control. Whether it’s something you want, or more something you know has to happen, the grief is real. It takes time to move through AND there's light at the end.
Yes, you let go of the happy-ever-after AND you get to choose your next chapter.
WHAT’S COMING NEXT?
This part… this bit’s easy for me to help you solve.
While some things are unpredictable (how your spouse will react, what your family will say, whether you’re friendships will shift), the process is clear & your next best steps are, for someone who’s been there personally & guided many others through, simple to outline.
Pathways. Options. Choices. Directions. I can give you a map. START the way you want it to end. Calmly. Collaboratively. Respectfully.
Negotiation. Mediation. Collaboration. With litigation (aka court) as your last resort.
There is much you can’t predict.
What IS predictable & within your capacity to control is how YOU respond.
How you hold to your values as you take your next best step.
PRACTICALITIES (can I keep the house?)
Practicalities like can you keep the house... who will live where... what will change-over look like... who gets the dog... can be worked out later. It’s important to remember that you can’t eat a house. Holding onto the family home, at the expense of everything else, may not be your best option.
Remember, you can't eat a house.
The decision to keep the house, or not, needs to be a holistic one, based in financial & practical objectivity, not a purely emotional one.
WHAT WILL THEY THINK?
What your friends, family & others will think about your decision is also beyond your control.
Yes, some will judge. And yes, some will choose sides. Sadly too, some will not know how to treat you, or will be threatened by your choice & freeze you out.
Really, what others think, say or do is not yours to hold.
What matters is what YOU think. And you YOU move forward. And how YOU hold to your values.
Leaving Mr Nice Guy can add more layers of complexity. Of guilt. Of sympathy. Of misunderstanding. Of fear that others won’t understand or accept.
Others may well not understand. And they may offer unsolicited, unwelcome advice, even judgement or blame or surprised admonishment.
But staying, abandoning yourself, your hopes, dreams & deepest desires, keeping yourself small to fit into the Mrs Nice Wife box is soul destroying.
GOING SOLO
If one of your hard truths is that you’re afraid of living alone. If doing it all solo scares you... let me ask you…
How "alone" are you right now?
How much of life are you doing "solo" in your current reality?
ALONE doesn't mean lonely. ALONE means YOU have the power to choose for yourself.
When you know you want to leave AND you’re facing those hard truths, what it REALLY comes down to is…
What matters MOST to you?
How do YOU want your life & love to be?
For me, my core values are what drive me. What ultimately led me to decide.
Peace in life. Deep fulfilment. Empowered choice.
And the knowledge that we get ONE CHANCE at life. We get ONE LIFE to live.
Anchoring into who I most wanted to be. How I wanted to show up in my life. For my kids. For myself.
In all the messy uncertainty, in the face of fear & all that was unknown… coming back to my inner knowing that I would, always & forever, back myself. Have my own back. Trust myself to make deeply self-loving choices. Even though I’d made mistakes in the past. To tap into my inner wisdom, to harness my inner power. To come back to what really mattered most to me.
Living a life that was true to myself.
Living a life that I CHOSE.
Every. Fkg. Day.
As scary as that was. As scary as it was to acknowledge that I wanted MORE for myself. And that claiming MORE meant letting go.
It meant less of some things (yes, money for one) to claim MORE of what I wanted for myself.
What about you?
Are you ready to reclaim your power & come back to what actually matters most to you?
How do you really want to live & love this one precious life of yours?
And, let’s NOT sugar coat any of that.
These hard truths are the real deal.
These are VERY real feelings, objections and barriers.
Very real things that are present for you in your life, in your marriage, in your relationship.
And there will be very real & yes, life changing impacts if you're brave enough to choose something different for yourself.
Divorce isn’t easy. But it’s worth it.
BUT while these fears are tangible & real… they are also, at least in part, an excuse. A story. A reason.
An excuse to continue procrastinating.
A story you’re telling yourself about why you can’t choose you.
A reason not to trust yourself.
To remain small & scared & where you can tell yourself it's safe. To stay where you’re not fully seen.
AND I want to offer you options. I want you to feel & know there is hope. I want you to allow yourself to see there ARE other possibilities.
I want to support you to UNRAVEL those hard truths, hold them up to the light, and choose a different way forward. Regardless of whether you ultimately decide to stay or leave.
You deserve and are worthy of a deep, rich, rainbow 🌈 of a life, where ALL of you is fully welcomed. You can choose the life, love & the relationship you truly desire.
You’ve just gotta get past some of those hard truths. 💛
My CONFIDENTIAL ONLINE SELF-PACED COURSE
Want to dig deeper into the hard truths you really can’t keep ignoring & find some answers?
UNRAVEL IS FOR YOU
UNRAVEL is my confidential, online, self-paced course to help you find answers
A private, safe space to explore the questions you're asking about your relationship.
A deep & confidential exploration of
Who you are & who you want to be
What's most deeply important to you - in your relationship & in your life
What you most want for yourself
It's an opportunity to
💫 RECLAIM yourself & your power
💫 DEEPEN your self-trust
💫 CLARIFY your thinking
💫 EXPLORE your options
💫 MAKE EMPOWERED CHOICES
An exploration of how you can create the love, loving life & relationships you most want for yourself
Check out this blog post too:
HOLY F*K YOU’RE GETTING DIVORCED - The 5 BIG questions you’ll want answers to
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In an emergency, call 000
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