STAYING FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX AFTER DIVORCE
CAN YOU STAY FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX AFTER DIVORCE?
AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?
Can you stay friends with your ex after divorce?
The short answer to that is yes and of course, there are layers of complexity & nuance. And there are circumstances where it’s not possible or even desirable.
So why would you want to remain friends with your ex after divorce?
STAYING FRIENDS FOR THE CHILDREN
The most compelling reason to maintain a friendly relationship with your ex after divorce is if you have children together.
Having children binds you to one another forever. You may not be intimate life partners any longer, but you are still & will always be the parents of your children and this connection is reason enough to stay amicable. If not great friends, then at the very least friendly.
When we divorced, our children were front & centre of all our decisions. Even before we divorced, I spent countless hours researching…
“Will divorce affect my kids’
“Best ways to divorce”
“How to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce”
I knew - we both knew - we wanted an outcome for them that meant they were least impacted by our decision to divorce. It was vital to both of us to keep the children out of any conflict. To allow them to be free to have a connected, loving relationship with both of us.
For them to feel that they still had a family that could function with kindness, generosity, & care for one another even if we lived in separate houses, even if it looked different from what it had previously. I wanted to show & teach them how to navigate big emotions & difficult situations with compassion & grace. With kindness.
Our kids needed to know we were still a parenting team and that they were loved deeply & unconditionally by both of their parents. That they had two parents who, while we couldn’t live together any longer, still respected & cared for each other.
We put the needs of our children, their right to a deep, committed, loving relationship with both of us, and our love for them, ahead of our personal need to be separate. And we chose a friendly pathway through our separation, divorce & family life afterwards.
(We’ve even holidayed together as that pic above shows)
And if your ex / co-parent isn’t playing nicely, you still get to choose your reactions & responses. Creating a friendly container - being friendly, open & amicable - makes it more likely you will be met with the same behaviour. If not immediately, eventually. Holding to your own values, behaving with integrity, can shift things even when your ex / co-parent may not be ready or willing.
HOW TO STAY FRIENDS AFTER DIVORCE
1. TAKE IT SLOWLY
We all heal at different rates & one of you may be more ready to be friends or friendly than the other, so don’t force or rush it.
Make it clear to your ex-partner - in both what you say & how you act - that you want your separation to be amicable. That you would like, in time, to maintain a friendly relationship.
Give each other time & space to reset, to forgive, to grieve & heal, while treating each other gently.
2. REFRAME
You no longer have an intimate partner relationship with this person so things you may once have said or done are no longer appropriate.
Make a conscious decision to reframe this as a new version of your relationship - one where you are friends not lovers, co-parents not life-partners. This requires new boundaries & ways of being in relationship together.
Commit to doing the work you need to do. Heal your triggers. Calm your nervous system. Tone down your reactivity. Learn new ways of communicating.
3. TAKE SMALL STEPS
If you’re planning time together as a family, keep it short & sweet, preferably on neutral ground, or with an activity / event to occupy everyone, at least to begin with. That way, you’re less likely to be triggered by one another or tipped into old patterns of engaging. There’s quite simply less time for it to happen when you’re busy doing something else, focused elsewhere.
4. BE. DO. HAVE.
Who or how do you need to BE to HAVE the future relationship you want?
While you can’t expect a friendship to exist between you immediately, especially if there has been betrayal or if one of you is still angry & grieving, if you’re committed to building a trusting friendly relationship behave, from the very beginning, as you would towards a friend. With courtesy, respect, concern, kindness, care. Yes, even when you’re activated, triggered or fired up by your ex. Yes, even when he/she does or says something that annoys the sh*t out of you. Yes, even if they aren’t meeting you in the same way.
BE who you want to be to HAVE the relationship you want to have with this person. From the start.
5. SET NEW BOUNDARIES
Friendships & intimate partner relationships are very different. Define the boundaries for this new version of your relationship. Outline what is / is not OK for you as exes who are friends & as co-parents. You may need to communicate these with your ex, or you may not but decide for yourself what is & is not acceptable. Steer clear of intimate or personal discussions & details that aren’t directly related to your kids.
Allow the past to remain in the past by setting boundaries around triggering topics. Actively choose not to bring the past into this new relationship with your ex by doing your own work & healing, privately. And if that means your interactions are somewhat superficial for the time being, that’s fine.
6. COMMIT TO CALM COMMUNICATION
Establish new, calmer communication patterns. Learn how to recognise (even pre-empt) your triggers, dial down your reactivity & calm your nervous system before engaging with your ex.
Listen to understand, rather than your next opportunity to jump in and have your say (guilty). Be open to other ways of looking at & doing things - your way may be the best way but it’s not the only way.
Keep communication on topic. Whether it be about money or children, stay with the present issue, rather than tripping off into past issues, old patterns or unresolved conflicts. Stay present in & focused on the current issue.
7. REMEMBER YOUR WHY. REMEMBER YOUR PAST.
Remember & acknowledge your shared past. It likely wasn't all bad. You liked, even loved one another at one point.
After the initial pain & grief have passed, it’s perfectly OK to remind one another occasionally of happy memories or “in jokes” you shared. It’s great for your kids to see & hear these moments too, teaching them the light & shadow of life; that you can still honour your ex’s part in your life even if you can’t be together anymore.
While bitterness, anger, resentment, have their place & should not be denied as valid emotions, carrying them for a long period of time causes harm. To you & to everyone around you, including your children.
Remember why you liked your partner in the first place, remember the things that called you towards him/her & remember why you’re committed to a friendly path.
8. FOCUS ON THE FUTURE
Rather than stay stuck in the past, anchored by hurt, grief, bitterness, shift your focus to the future. How do you want your future life to look & most importantly how do you want it to FEEL? How can you bring more of that way of being, that way of feeling into your current reality? Yes, even if it feels tricky or tender right now.
Focusing on this future version helps inform the way you behave in your present. You remain connected by your past & by your children. There will be moments & events - both small & significant - that your kids will want you both to attend & be part of. Beyond your children, there may well also be shared friends or wider family members who wish for the same.
Being friends, or at least friendly makes it possible & more enjoyable for everyone. Especially you.
9. SUPPORT & TRUST
Build (or re-establish) trust between you. If it’s been eroded over time, if there has been betrayal or infidelity, trust takes time to rebuild.
Trust can be rebuilt by
• Following through on what you say you will do
• Keeping private matters between the two of you
• Not bad mouthing your ex to other people including your kids
• Telling the truth, with courtesy & compassion
• Keeping your promises
• Admitting when you’re wrong or don’t know something
• Working on your communication skills
• Not overreacting to things or dragging up the past
SUPPORT one another - as co-parents & as collaborators in your separation / divorce
• Call each other or text to keep in touch
• Check-in with one another regularly
• Accept help. Offer help.
• Keep each other informed of important things & events
Be mindful of your boundaries while doing all of this, especially if you tended to be the over-functioner in your previous relationship. Be mindful of not over-stepping or over-giving. It might take more time than you think so go slowly, do your own work, heal. Start a friendship at a pace and level that feels comfortable and right for you, without draining or depleting you or holding you back from healing.
WHEN YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS AFTER DIVORCE
For some couples, being friends after divorce is simply not possible.
If this is your reality & you have children together, you may find yourself parallel parenting rather than co-parenting, in order to protect yourself & keep yourself emotionally & physically safe.
Anything that makes a friendship between you and your ex physically or emotionally unsafe is a red flag - abuse in any form, DV, substance dependency or abuse, narcissism, criminal behaviour. If you wouldn’t be friends with this person in any other context, it won’t work with your ex.
If maintaining a friendship with your ex is actually draining you or holding you back from moving forward with your healing & your own life, if it’s limiting your capacity to prioritise yourself, your needs, your desires. If it leaves you unable to fully take care of yourself, forge new relationships, friendships & connections… you may not be ready. Perhaps there is codependency that needs healing before you can establish an equal friendly relationship.
Maybe you weren’t really ever great friends in the first place. Maybe trust has been eroded to the point where you can’t be friends. Don’t make that wrong. Accept that it’s not possible for you right now, and simply choose to be calm & respectful.
Sometimes, stepping out of trying to fix your relationship, transitioning out of an intimate couple relationship liberates you both, enables you to reset & allows you both the freedom to become real friends.
And if you want it, but you’re not quite there yet, allow some time. Hold your intention & behave accordingly, to keep the possibility alive. Regardless of whether you chose divorce or it was not your decision, it takes time to heal and it’s the healing that creates the possibility of a new relationship, a friendship forming between you.
You can read more about how we did it HERE
Good things are coming for you.
Divorce is your chance to reset, reframe & reorganise yourself, your family, you life.