It's COLD!
Baby it's COLD!
The day I sat down to write this, it was 6ºC outside, the wind blowing hard & the temperature dropping fast so I was tucked up inside, heater on, sipping hot tea, thinking warm thoughts.
☀️But, we both know, simply thinking warm fuzzy thoughts doesn't actually change the reality of what's outside. It's still a frosty environment out there. I can crank the heating, eat hot soup, drink hot tea & rug up in warm clothes. I can do all the things to stave off the wintery weather, but eventually I know I'll have to go outside and face the cold 🌨
❄️ Similarly, when you're faced with a relationship that feels challenging, when you're thinking that this might be "it" in your marriage, or you've made the ultimate decision to separate, the cold "outside" can seem pretty damn uninviting. The familiar seems, if not 🔥seriously lighting your fire, at least lukewarm, even if you know it's not quite what you want or need. The alternatives can feel scary, hazy, foggy. Bleak. Cold. Lonely. Wintery.
Making the leap to tell your story... Declaring openly (to your partner, to the wider world) that the relationship you thought was forever is, in fact over and you’re embarking on a solo journey, can feel like inviting the icy winds of winter right into your soul. And still, you know you need to. You know you need to dig deep to find the courage. You know it’s going to take bravery & vulnerability. So you rug up. You blanket yourself, your heart & soul, and prepare yourself to brave the cold. You step courageously out and speak your truth, holding your fear closely, heart in mouth hoping you will be met with a warm place to land. And for many, that warmth will wrap you up🧣🤗 and hold you.
Many of my divorce clients however, describe feeling unexpectedly frozen out by friends & loved ones. Alone. Lonely. Isolated. Out in the proverbial cold. Often, this isn't intended by the "freezers" to be hurtful. Rather, they just don't know what to say or how to respond. And they don't know how your new single-ness fits with the previous place you held in their life & your shared social network.
Many too, finding themselves solo after having been part of a couple, are all of a sudden no longer included in "couples" events. Left off invitation lists. Excluded from the catch ups, nights out or get togethers they once would have attended with their now ex.
Divorce inevitably means things get split - stuff, money, time with kids. Very often in divorce & breakups, friends can get split, too. Some friends feel they have to CHOOSE - you over your ex - and it's a rare, strong & beautiful friend (we are very blessed to have a few, including my parents & some extended family) who can manage an ongoing relationship with both of you.
So... this is for you if you find one of your friends or a family member single, no longer part of a couple with the one they thought was their forever partner.
Don't stop ringing. Don't overlook inviting your newly single friend because you think they might feel "out of place" with all of you who are still coupled up (or you might feel discomfort because they no longer "fit" who you thought they were).
More than ever, this friend, this person you love & care about, needs to hold onto parts of her normal, past life. To be surrounded by normal (and s/he will tell you "thanks but not this time" if they really aren't up to a social outing filled with loved up couples). She needs to be included. Warmed. Not frozen out by your discomfort or confusion or indecision about what's the "right" thing to do.
So if you're in doubt, ASK.
Not sure what she most needs right now? ASK.
Not sure whether you should invite one, or both of your newly separated friends?
ASK them.
Other ways you can support and warm them include:
Keep inviting & including them, even if they regularly say no thanks. Keep asking.
Ring. Text. Drop by. Be there. Be available. Let them know you're there for them.
Help out with practical things. Kids pick ups / drop offs. If they're moving, offer to help them pack (this is hard for many).
Listen. Just listen. Don't judge or offer your opinion.
Allow them the space to talk. Most people going through a divorce go through a phase where they can't think or talk about anything else. Allow the space.
Don't speak badly of their ex, even if you disliked them, you really didn't think it would last, or you are secretly relieved they've separated. Keep that to yourself.
Unless there are very good reasons, don't feel you need to choose sides. Be there. Be present, kind & supportive for everyone you care about.
Offer to take their kids for a play date / sleep over / ice cream / run around at the park
Do a "partner" type thing for them. Did their ex always mow the lawn? Was their ex the greatest ironer, cook or car washer in the universe? Offer to do that thing.
Don't ask "what happened?" Respect their privacy & if they don't want to talk don't press them. The details are not your business.
Know that your friend may not actually be sad about the divorce. It may be her choice, it may be a relief. It may be a beautiful conscious uncoupling that your friends have navigated together. "OMG I'm so sorry" might not be the appropriate response.
Make sure your support is ongoing. Just because the initial dust has settled, your friend still needs support. Check in.
Don't share what they tell you with others. Keep their confidence & don't make it gossip beyond the two of you.
Not sure what to do? ASK. Ask what they need or how you can support them.
This is also for you if you're finding yourself "out in the cold" after separation or divorce.
Say yes when you're asked out by friends. Ring them if they're not reaching out to you. Invite yourself or invite them out. EXPLAIN to your coupled up mates that you still need to be invited and, if they're mutual friends of both you & your new ex, explain how you would like that to be handled.
Choosing NOT to go is also 100% OK. Don't want to be faced with all the duos? That's fine too.
Create & choose new experiences where you don't have to be reminded constantly of the person who's NOT standing next to you. Choose events & experiences where you can just be you, with solo friends or friends who've chosen to leave their partners behind.
💛 Mostly, surround yourself with the people who warm your heart.
And, if you've got a few friends or family who don't seem to know quite how to support you, forward them this email.
Go gently.
Sallyanne
If you’d prefer to LISTEN 🎧 to this, it’s also an episode on my podcast